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Wikiality.com is dedicated to bringing news to the internets tubes. We like our news fresh and truthy, which is why we have introduced this page dedicated to bringing the most fresh and truthy news to all the tubes of the internets! See Also: :News Photos Bear Watchers Abomination Watch Breaking News Archive Missing Emails Found! Nancy Pelosi was determined to make everyone in The Greatest Administration Ever miserable. She claimed people who serve at the pleasure were fired for political reasons, then claimed there were "missing emails" that proved it! WASHINGTON, D.C., June 19, 2007--The lawyers were long gone. After having served at the pleasure of the president, they decided to spend more time with their families. They chose to quit, they were with their families yet, the liberals said they smelled a rat. Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid ran through the nation's capital questioning everyone in sight. They were certain the lawyers had been fired and there just had to be a paper trail somewhere. Thousands of slackers were hired to shimmy through the internets tubes searching for the emails (5 million Pelosi claimed) the proved something nefarious was afoot. Yet, no one could find the emails. Wikiality.com also smelled a rat, a demon-rat! Investigative reporters for Wikiality.com's news division also asked lots of people questions and looked in places we had no business looking--just like Nancy does on a daily basis! But, we actually found something! After fruitlessly searching, Nancy Pelosi claimed that The Greatest Architect Ever hid or threw away (which is it, Nancy? We're at war!) 5 million emails to hide (or throw away?) the reason a handful of administrative staff. Ha! Again, Wikiality.com says, "ha." 5 million emails! Our collective internets eye! How could she possibly know that many emails were missing? If they we're there, how could she know they weren't there!? Huh? Huh? Well, Nancy, Wikiality.com is on to your shenanigans! Those allegedly missing emails didn't go missing, they were gifts given to the many staff members of The Greatest Administration Ever as parting gifts for their service to our Country and The Greatest President Ever! The very people who Nancy Pelosi claimed were fired for political reasons (but weren't) had been the ones to graciously accept the "missing" emails Pelsoi also claimed proved they were fired improperly. Each employee was given a CD of anywhere between 40,000 and 100,000 emails ranging from "Christian Investment Opportunities" to "Employee Notices" regarding break time activities. See? none of these things are a threat to National Security. So, once again, you're wrong Nancy. It's high time you give The Greatest President Ever and America a break and resign your position. Now that Wikiality.com has solved the case of the not missing 5 million emails, and the real reason the attorneys were fired, we ask that Nancy Pelosi get fired and take all her emails with her! ### Edwards Scissorcrotch BEVERLY HILLS, CA June 19, 2007-- Are you ready for beach season? John Edwards is. In preperation for a windsurfing outing fishing trip with lifepartner John Kerry, Edwards reportedly spent 400$ on a bikini wax and his campaign picked up the tab, according to a recent report by the Federal Election Commission. "Yes, John Edwards is a regular client of mine. I'd know that well-coifed bikini line anywhere," says Raul Ramon, proprietor of Pink Sapphire, a trendy boutique in Beverly Hills, CA that caters mostly to women. "But don't think he's not still a man of the people. All his hair clippings go to Merkins of Love." Merkins of Love is a non-profit charity that provides pubic wigs to cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy. After the revelations, Ann Coulter took a break from her busy schedule of verbally assaulting 9/11 widows and forcefully converting Muslims to Christianity to indirectly call Edwards a faggot. Unable to be reached for comment, Edwards instead retaliated through his website, asking supporters to help "raise $100,000 in 'Coulter Cash'" so he could get that anal bleaching he's had his eyes on. Another Successful Day In Iraq No hurricanes, no earthquakes, no liberals. Is this paradise? Almost; it's the new and free Iraq! BAGHDAD, IRAQ, June 18, 2007--Just as summer begins, the people of Iraq can enjoy another beautiful day in a free Iraq! "It's another beautiful, sunny day in Iraq!" said an unnamed resident of an unnamed area of Baghdad, "Most of the buildings are still standing and when the wind blows you can barely smell the corpses. I hope one day my kids and grandkids will see what a beautiful country this truly is!" Wikiality.com conducted a survey of 1,000 residents of a Baghdad area for their opinions on several subjects: How good a job do you feel George W. Bush is doing for your country? * Great 5% * The Greatest 95% How many earthquakes have there been since George W. Bush freed your country * None 97% * I don't know 3% Who do you blame for that one hurricane? * The Great Satan, Al Gore 50% * Satan's Handmaiden, Nancy Pelosi 50% Of the people being polled, 98% had all their limbs, 96% had perfect eyesight and 100% had jobs and running water and electricity every day. ### The Gays Up In Arms After Television Program Gay gangs have started a perfectly manicured turf war after one of them appeared on The Colbert Report. GAYSREAL, Gay Pride Month 15, 2007--Gossip in the gay world has a way of moving through the community like cold sores: quickly leaving visible scars. This gossip would be no different, but it would have far-reaching consequences. Within hours after the word hit the streets, there was a feeling in the air that something dangerous was about to happen. Starting at an all-night gym, the word was alight in the air like delicate highlights: one of their own had been on TV, but without make-up. Outraged, the girls prepared for battle. Coifed and Ready for Battle Witnesses say it looked like any night on the boulevard. "The Gays dressed up and were marching like they always do," an unnamed woman who disappeard with her baby followed by another woman who was also obviously offended by the entire affair. Police reports of the incident describe two group of gays faced off in a gay-down. The first group showed up on time and were dressed like business professionals, their gang name is the "Ellens" and numbered approximately 20. But, it was the second gang that the police want to question further. Upon arriving at the scene, officers were faced with the remnants of a melee that can only be described as a make-over gone awry. "Blood-red fake fingernails broken and scattered among the wigs and feathered boas that littered the street," from the police report, "one gang's slogan (LET US WEAR MAKEUP) was written on the walls." Behind the Hair-Pulling "We don't want to upset anyone, we just want to live our lives," a member of the "Ellens" gang told Wikiality.com, "if America wants us to only come out at night, this is what we will do. America is at war, and we have chosen the side of compliance." Many Americans would not disagree with the stance of the "Ellens"; it is reasonable and doesn't make anyone squeamish. On the other hand, the second group, "The Bois" have been described by their critics as "troublemakers". "Whenever we try to have a meeting," a spokesEllen told Wikiality.com, "one of them will try to come in wearing what they do, bitching about not having the right to be gay in public, and when that disgraceful Arabic translator appeared on TV they were more upset that his hair was disheveled and his face was shiny than with the fact that he broke the law when he hide his homosexuality in order to filth-up America's Navy, which was never gay until he signed up." Since none of the members of "The Bois" were available for comment, presumably because the police were able to apprehend them all and had them in custody away from the American public, it is safe to assume the Ellens were correct and that gays should not be gay in public, or in America's military. ### The Open Borders Have Let 509,000 Terrorists Into America! Wikiality.com has uncovered evidence that liberal border security has embolden the terrorists allowing them to increase the number of sleeper cells in the United States to over half a million !!! LAREDO, TEXAS, June 13, 2007--Alberto Gonzales, The Greatest Attorney General Ever has been working around the clock to stop criminals! Between meetings and remembering what happened during those meetings, (and not to mention testifying to Nancy Pelosi about the meetings and the remembering of the meetings) it is a wonder he has been able to catch anyone on the FBI's Most Wanted List! And now, when America is at her most vulnerable, someone has leaked a classified document that lets the terrorists know we know how many of them there are. Which, as everyone knows, is the first step toward vanquishing an enemy. But, The Greatest Administration Ever doesn't let a minor setback like one leaked document deter their glorious mission of protecting Americans from being un-accomplished. This document shows how many terrorists Nancy Pelosi has personally allowed into America since she stole Dennis Hastert's job. "...for every illegal alien apprehended three successfully enter the United States. That means perhaps as many as three million illegal aliens succeed in entering the country," America's foremost Border Patrol Agent, Lou Dobbs proclaimed on television, "but also an increasing number from countries known to sponsor terrorism are making it into this country."http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html If Lou Dobbs is correct (and when is he not !?) this document proves that at least 70 million illegal aliens have entered the United States! America, we are at war, there is only one thing we can do, and it's high time we start. God Bless America! ### Joint Chiefs Nominee: "America's Military is more efficient"! WASHINGTON, D.C., Gay Month, 12, 2007-- Testifying before the godless sodomites of congress, Admiral Mike Mullen gave his assessment of America's military. As head of America's Navy, Admiral Mullen sees no problems facing Navy's archrivals, the Army, in terms of meeting recruitment goals, and he scoffed at claims that the Army was spread too thin. "Ahh, that's bullshit!" Admiral Mullen said in his no-holds-barred seaman's slang, "the pissants Army has enough queers, and if they don't, we are working on a way to give 'em all the queers they could ever want!" Haters of The Greatest President Ever's successful policies in Iraq were giddy when word got out that General Peter Pace announced his plans to spend more time with his family. Their elation quickly ended when Admiral Mullen was nominated to replace him. Admiral Mullen's no-nonsense style has impressed everyone from Bill O'Reilly to Rush Limbaugh. ### Ted Stevens Put On Notice by FBI Washington, June 11, 2007 Alaskan Senator and Internets Tubes custodian Ted Stevens has been put On Notice© - not by Dr. Colbert, but by the FBI. Now that the FBI is functioning under a Congress that is controlled by Democrats, they apparently feel it is necessary to curry favor (and larger budgets) by targeting one of the very pillars of American society for the possible "crime" of using money earned from an energy company to remodel his modest home. While the liberal media continues to perpetuate lies about this son of rural Indiana apple pie farmers, Wikiality.com promises to bring you more fair and balanced coverage of Senator Stevens ongoing investigation. Sign up for our StevensWatch™ service for up-to-the-seconds Stevens news delivered right to your internets box. ### Bears In The Military!! Shocking allegations from New Scientist magazine and the BBC. Within five years bears - or more precisely BEARs - will be serving in the United States military! But relax heroes: these aren't the Godless Killing Machines which wonder the wilderness savaging children and inciting flamingos to become gay. These are robotic versions, designed to ferry wounded soldiers to safety. Officially their bear-like features are supposed to comfort the wounded warrior. Because when you've just had a leg blown off and been shredded by shrapnel the first thing you want to see is a cross between Yogi Bear and the Terminator. In truth it's clear their appearance is really to either a) scare away rabid terrorists; or b) trick the terrorists into believing the bear is one of them. Let's just hope they don't fall into the hands of an America-hating lunatic! Read more here. ### This Prince Isn't Afraid To Go To The Middle East WIKIALITY.COM EDITORIAL, June 7, 2007-- The time has come for everyone who supports our President to back those words up with some action! Prince Harry, the third or fourth in line to the British crown (the "spare" not the heir) has dressed up as a Nazi, groped a harem-ful of drunken ladies and done all of the gay things everyone expects from a member of the British Royal Family. And it was these actions which earned him the respect of his fellow monarchs around America's Planet. But there is one thing Harry Windsor won't be doing anytime soon: visiting the front lines of the War on Terror. Prince Bandar bin Sultan, ambassador to America for 20 years and friend of The Greatest American Family Ever, however, actually lives in the Middle East! And unlike Michael Jackson, Bandar has lived in Saudi Arabia for so long his skin is actually darker than when he lived in America. Prince Bandar is a shining example of how far the world has come since The Greatest President Ever guided America and America's Planet through our darkest hours. Before The Greatest President Ever America was mired in scandal after scandal after scandal. But with Prince Bandar as an example, we can see the sharp contrast of honor and integrity glowing from the example of The Greatest Administration Ever and his Coalition of the Willing: In addition, there have been reports that soldiers are begging to go back and fight for freedom and liberty. Who can argue with that? Not only does the rest of the world want in on this success, but the men on the ground are going crazy waiting for their return. This is what war spreading democracy is all about! God Bless America! ### God's Wrath Felt In The Land of America's Oil UNDISCLOSED PLAZA, DUBAI, TEXAS, June 6, 2007-- A few months ago, Satan's Handmaiden traveled to Syria against the command of The Greatest President Ever. She ate a few puppies, performed a few abortions then headed back to America. Aboard her flight out of Syria, Pelosi reassured herself with a quick glance out the back window that the seemingly peaceful land shrinking below her was exactly what it seemed. She convinced herself what she did was for "peace" and that she wasn't doing anything wrong by defying The Greatest President Ever. And as far as she knew, "nothing" happened. But she was wrong; just like her ideological forefathers, Nancy Pelosi underestimated the consequences of denying Jesus' love. And now many innocent people will suffer as a deadly Smote Storm barrels down on the serene Middle East. Oh, man Every American remembers from homeschool that God does not care for impudent know-it-alls and will smote them with His Righteous Fury! Throughout history civilizations have suffered the wrath of our gay-hating God. Sodom, Gomorrah, Nagasaki and San Francisco have all felt the devastation of poking the wrong hole. And now, the very place where God composed His masterpiece, The Holy Bible, will have to be destroyed because of Nancy Pelosi. As of this writing, 20:38, 6 June 2007 (UTC), God is sending a relatively minor Smote Storm to Oman. The Lord, Our Father, sent a messenger among us to spread His Holy Word: The Final Days Are Nancy Pelosi's Fault Wikiality.com does not have any living or walking correspondents in the region, but who are we to question The Holy Father? Nancy Pelosi, if you're reading this, it is time you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, before the whole planet is covered in Smote Storms and nothing you or Al Gore (or Sheryl Crow) can do is going to change that. ### Amnesty International ███████ Campaign Against Internets Censorship The Internets, June 6, 2007-- In true reactionary liberal faction, █████ ███ organization Amnesty International has launched a campaign to draw attention to the ███▊███ use of internets censorship by ██████████ governments who wish to ████ ▉▉ the voices of those who █████ with them. According to their ▊███ ██ ██ irrepressible.info, ███████▊, with the help of computers-technology-providing ▊ companies, are increasingly ███████ing the work of bloggers, webtubes, chatrooms, and more. Internets-Americans across the globe feel ███ ███ as their ▊███ ██ comes under ████. Regardless of our deep suspicions about the true ██████████ behind Amnesty International's new campaign, we at Wikiality.com also support the right to a free internets. We believe that the web should be a place where all fair and balanced ideas have as have an equal chance to be █████. As long as those ideas agree with us. ### The Gays Not Honoring Colbert Now New York, Gay Pride Month 5, 2007-- In their 19th Annual "Lambda Literary Awards" the Lambda Literary Foundation somehow managed to overlook Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. and the many contributions he has made to the field of LGBT literature. Highlights of the evening: 25 Awards were given at "a gala celebration attended by 300 people". An "In Memoriam tribute," a 6''' minute video eulogy for '''11 LGBT literary legends who passed away during the last 18 months. Gay L.A. by Lillian Faderman & Stuart Timmons gets 2''' awards (in the "Arts & Culture" and "Non-Fiction" categories); Tim Miller's ''1001''' Beds'' wins the Theater/Drama category. In other words, the gays missed 1, 355 seperate opportunities to honor Our Glorious Stephen. For shame, gays! ### Scientists Discover Curative Properties of Marriage FORT MARRIAGE, AMERICA, Gay Pride Month 4, 2007-- In a stunning turn-around, scientists from around the world have discovered proof of something that every true believer already knows: The Bible is infallible! Two unmarried female scientists(!) wasted precious procreation time as their biological clocks ticked off their fertility, only to discover that marriage is an essential part of God's plan. "We were duped," the unnamed head of the science department at Wellesbian University told Wikiality.com between sobs, "I will never believe Hillary Clinton again." Gays and $cientologists As the two girl scientists embraced for the last time, their study was disseminated to the press. As well as reiterating what God's Word has been all along, the girls' study deepened the rift between scientists and a religious-like entity, making an interesting entertainment spectacle for those of us who were never confused. A diminutive spokesman person for a famous cult chimed in: Scientists Try to "Explain" Apparently, the "Labcoat Lowenas" claim the findings have some kind of value. LOL. Come on girls, read your Bibles. Marriage does not help depressed people, like you claim; marriage is our destiny. God's holy plan requires human beings to get married. Once we accept Jesus Christ as Our Personal Lord and Savior, we are absolved of the sin of depression, which is a consequence of being single. Silly girls! A few weeks of fulfilling God's plan - and your husbands' every desire - will hopefully cure you of such obvious misunderstandings. Hallelujah! ### ---- Breaking News Archive